How do you celebrate when you’re missing a loved one?
I wish I knew the answer to that.
In a few short days we’ll be ‘celebrating’ my youngest brother’s 31st birthday.
Unlike other birthday celebrations, this one is bittersweet. And it’s for one reason and one reason only. Carlos is not here to celebrate with us.
Just six months ago, we lost him.
Literally.
The details are still quite painful and hard to write about. But in a nutshell, he was lost at sea.
It’s one of those things that only happens in nightmares.
Except, in this one there’s no waking up.
Yet, in spite of the pain, the unanswered questions and the gnawing loss, I’m choosing to focus on the sweet part of the celebration. A celebration of his life.
I wish I could write a neat, nicely-wrapped post about celebrating a loved one after they’re gone. I’m not sure I’m there yet.
I don’t have all the answers and my words are messy and raw. But I’m choosing to spend this time leading up to his birthday focusing on the Giver of life.
Thanks to God’s great mercies, we have a lot to celebrate.
There are many times we could have lost Carlos, but instead we enjoyed 30+ years with him. Isn’t that such a sweet gift?
One specific memory is etched in my mind.
When Carlos was just 14, we discovered that he had a life threatening condition. Open heart surgery was the only option.
Hours and hours and hours wore on before we could get news from the operating room.
But in spite of that difficult and uncertain time, we were gifted with another 16 years with him.
Of course, we didn’t know at the time that we were on borrowed time. We don’t usually think that way, but aren’t we all just borrowing time?
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Reflecting on Carlos’ life really does make me smile in spite of the pain.
You see, Carlos was such a funny guy. Giving, caring and just a lover of life.
He was always one to ‘crack jokes’ and make others laugh. He was intent on making other people happy.
I can’t ever think of a time when he got angry. Of course, he did. I just never saw it. If something upset him, he rode it out. He was more likely to avoid a conflict than run to it.
He was the best uncle to the kids in our family – old enough to play the role but still young enough to be cool.
I could spend a lot of time questioning why we lost him so early. Or why things happened the way they did. Or why we will probably never have answers.
Instead, I’m just glad for the 16 bonus years we had together, thanks to a good and faithful God.
Losing him hasn’t been easy. And in the past six months I’ve learned a few lessons about choosing joy when you’re missing a loved one.
I’m happily sharing these lessons with the Fear Warriors community over on Jerusha Agen’s site. Perhaps someone else needs to fight fear with joy too.
Won’t you join me there?
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. – Psalm 30:5 KJV
If you know someone who is struggling with missing a loved one, I’d be honoured if you’d share this post with them. And if you feel comfortable requesting prayer on their behalf, I’d love to pray for them as well. Just get in touch here.
In the meantime, here’s how I’m choosing joy in the midst of pain.
How about you?
Have you ever chosen joy over fear? How did that go?
Do you have a favourite scripture for when you’re facing challenges? I sure could use a little encouragement from the Word today.
Wishing you blessings,
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Join my sisters and me for the Sparkle Circle, right here every last Tuesday of the month.
Because doing life together makes it so much sweeter!
So sorry for your loss Marva and thankful for how God ministers as our True Comfort during these times of remembering. Joy is definitely a choice that honors Him and the memory of those we miss so deeply.
Thanks for your kind words, Crystal. I believe it is thanks to the prayers of many faithful friends that I was able to get through the weekend without completely breaking down. It was sad but not unbearable and God reminds me that there’s joy just ahead and waiting to be lived in this very moment.
Blessings to you!
My sweet friend, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to celebrate things like birthdays and other special events after a loved one passes away. Praying for you and your family as you celebrate the wonderful times you had with Carlos.
Such a huge loss – I will share w/ a friend who lost his wife to cancer last year. God has brought him ten other widowers in a year for him to come alongside. You have come alongside today – bless you with His tender mercy and peace. x, s.
Sue, thanks for your kind words and for choosing to pass this along. I’m sorry to hear about your friend losing his wife and I pray he will find comfort as he in turn comforts others.
Blessings to you!
Thanks for sharing. Everyone is different and the relationship they had with the deceased is also different. I’m in place where though sad I’m at peace with my loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Nylse and I pray that your journey will help someone else get there too!
Hugs and blessings!
This is raw and beautiful. I pray that you stay encouraged and continue to smile. Every smile you shine will help you and those around you.
Thank you, Shana. I think you’re right. Smiles have a way of lightening our burdens, don’t they? Shared smiles are even better!
Blessings to you!
Marva,
I really love your blog and sincerely appreciate your vulnerability. I’m deeply sorry for your loss, my friend. It’s amazing how you find God even in the most difficult situations. It’s more than being positive, it’s being faithful.
Mother’s Day is not my favorite day to celebrate, nor is November 2nd which is my mom’s birthday. Psalm 18 is the first of a series of comforting scriptures I turn to when I’m in an emotional pit during those times. For me, it reflects how I feel and reminds me of who God is, his strength and the lengths he would go to rescue me.
I will keep you in prayer, friend.
Monife, I’m so glad I snatched this one from those little bots that relegated it to the spam folder.
I’ve always been moved by your faithfulness as you’ve navigated the loss of your mom all these years. God sees your tears and feels your pain better than anyone can. I’m just grateful that He allows us to share these losses (and victories) together.
Hugs and blessings, my friend!
Hello Marva,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and special family memories of your brother Carlos and most of all, the tribute to life, God’s blessings and support in times of pain.
To celebrate the life of our loved ones is most important in the healing process. They certainly touched our lives and left a part of them that remains with us everyday.
Thanks for the words of wisdom that we can relate to.
Praying for blessings for you and your family always, Liliana
Lily, thank you so much, my dear friend. I appreciate you walking this road with me and being such a great support always. I know if you could’ve changed the circumstances you would. Much love!
Oh dear friend, wish I could see you and give you a hug. I loved seeing the pictures of your brother. The fact that you can’t remember a time when he was angry just speaks worlds about what kind of person he was. What an amazing legacy to leave! Thank you for sharing your heart to give hope to others in grief.
Thank you, Val. I can’t help but smile when I remember him and that in itself is such a great comfort.
May the Lord continue to hold you by the hand and shower His grace upon you, Marva. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like he was a wonderful person, a gift for you.
Thanks, Betsy. I’m very grateful for the beautiful memories we have!
Blessings to you, my friend.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My brother’s birthday just passed a few days ago. He would have been 36, but he was taken from us 10 years ago when he was hit by a car while riding his bike. Yes, it’s been 10 years, not six months, but I still miss him. I too chose to celebrate his life on his birthday, and to recognize that I’m now 10 years closer to seeing him again in heaven.
Goodness, Angela, that must’ve been very difficult for you and for your family. It’s so hard to understand why these things happen but I’m so glad you have the hope of seeing him again in heaven. What a blessing that is!
Marva, I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate how you have expressed the pain you are feeling while also sharing the blessings you have found in the midst of your grief. Choosing to thank God for the years you might not have had with your brother … what a wonderful perspective that is! Praying that God’s peace and comfort surrounds in a powerful way as you move through the days and weeks ahead.
I’m glad that God is helping me to find the bright lights in this difficult situation, Lois. Your prayers are definitely appreciated!
Thanks for honoring him so sweetly, Marv! He would be blushing in his own little quiet way. 🙂 So grateful to God for His presence! A presence that I’m convinced Carlos felt and that is available to us all. Hugs and kisses, my sister!
I laughed as I thought about him blushing and I really hope he knew how much he was loved!
So glad we have each other for support, my sister!
Oh Marva. My heart hurts for you and at the same time I feel inspired by your bravery and your resolve to fight for joy. You are in my heart every day and I’m praying for you! Hugs across the ocean! 💕💕
Stefani, how I wish I was there to receive those hugs in person. 🙂 You’ve been such a dear friend and a prayer warrior on my behalf — I’m so very grateful!
Hi! Marva,
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I felt the sting of death when my brother passed away 35 years ago. I was a little girl when he died and my life was never the same after his death. Praying for God’s continued peace and comfort for your heart as you grief his loss.
Blessings, Misty
I’m so sorry you lost your brother, Misty. One of the joys of sharing my story is hearing others say, ‘me too’, because it reminds me that I’m not alone. Even with all the time that’s passed, I pray that God’s peace will comfort you too.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful message.
Thanks, Simone. My prayer is that it will offer a bit of hope for those who are hurting too.
Thanks for sharing such hope at the Fear Warrior Blog, Marva. I didn’t realize you’d lost your brother under such tragic circumstances. All losses are hard, of course, but deaths like this are especially so. Thank you for sharing what you’ve learned about joy for the encouragement of others going through the same experience.
Thank you for your kind words, Jerusha. I’m very grateful for the opportunity to share the hope that Christ has given me. I pray that your Fear Warriors are inspired and encouraged — all to His glory.
We celebrated Mother’s Day this year without my mum, and it was poignant, but the comfort of God was very present and palpable.
Blessings to you as you walk through this season of loss.
Celebrations like that one must be especially tough, Michele, yet I love how God’s presence comforted you. I hope the memories of your mum will put a smile on your face every now and again when you least expect it — just like a kiss from God.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. (((Hugs))) I know the pain of sudden loss all too well. Almost 10 months ago, my husband’s sister was diagnosed with cancer on a Thursday and she died the following Monday. To say it was a shock is an understatement. I’ve had the questions and I’ve written messy posts about it as well. But there is one thing that I’ve come to know, that God is still good. He has never left us nor has he forsaken us.
Oh my, Rosanna! What a shock that must’ve been for you and your family. I’m so sorry that you’ve endured that pain.
Like you, I too have come to the conclusion that God remains good, in spite of the pain and unanswered questions. He is so faithful and I can’t imagine how others get over difficult losses without him!
Marva, I am so sorry for your loss! Truly. May God bring His comfort and peace as only He can. I am grateful you shared as I am sure your words will help many to navigate their losses. Praying for you this morning.
Thanks for your prayers, Joanne — they mean more to me than you know.
Blessings!
Hello, from your neighbor today at Table Talk. Your post really tugs at the heart strings. I am so sorry for your loss. I recently wrote about the anniversary of a death, but it does not compare with what you have been through. No one could pretend to understand the depth of your loss. You are a strong woman to encourage others as you reflect on Carlos’ amazing life! You have done an tremendous job compiling his pictures and capturing moments of his life. He lived a blessed life with you and now he is smiling on you, as he reads of your love for him. I pray that today you will feel the comfort of the scripture you quoted, plus the assurance of John 14.
Thank you for taking the time to encourage me, Erin. No death is ever easy, at least that’s been my experience. We lost my father the year before my brother and while the circumstances were very different, both were very painful.
Thankfully God can relate to us and walks beside us to see us through. So even as you remember your grandmother, I pray that you will find joy in the beautiful memories and a peace that comes only from God.
Hi Marva, it’s been a while since I’ve visited your blog. I will share this to our Facebook page. Thank you for your words of comfort. I certainly believe that joy comes in the morning!
Thank you, Sue. I’m always happy to have you and I’m so glad you visited today.
I appreciate you for sharing this on Facebook. My prayer is that it will be the spark of hope that someone is looking for.
Blessings to you!